mo. 8

photo session with Lara

Dear Molly,

Every single day you change.  It is so so so much fun to watch you grow up.  New tricks include:

1.  Waving to everyone you meet
2.  Clapping when I say "Yay!"
3.  Pulling yourself up to standing on our fingers.
4.  Miraculously, you can wiggle/roll/scoot/use magical powers to get to any pacifier, remote control, phone, or keys.
5.  You said your first word!!!  Naturally, it was "Kitty".  Gus and Wally are clearly complete joy to you, even if the feeling is not quite mutual.

We had an awesome Father's Day.  You tasted your first lime (hilarious).  You dressed in your star trek onsie from Kata.  You gave your dad a Starship Enterprise pizza cutter.  We made peirogies from scratch.  Seeing as you love NO ONE on the planet like you love your dad, we wanted to make it special.

There are things that I completely didn't expect about being a mom.  For starters, I definitely didn't just all of a sudden know what to do.  There (for me at least) is no such thing as the magical mom powers that make you know exactly what decisions to make.  I struggle frequently on things I truly believed would be simple.  For example:  what to feed you when, if its time to take away the pacifier at night, etc.  Thankfully, you are seriously one of the best babies of all time, and you let me know if there is something we should change.

I also didn't expect that sometimes I'd feel so overwhelmingly guilty for ignoring you to check email, or for wishing you'd nap longer so I could spend more time doing whatever it is I was doing, or for being frustrated that we can't leave the house because its too hot for you to be in the car.

But most of all, I didn't expect that on a daily basis, I look at you and am completely overcome with a feeling of pure and simple joy.  These moments come at all different times - when you are lunging for Gus's tail, when you are squealing with joy at your baby brush, clapping with a huge smile on your face, giggling when I tickle your belly, quietly smiling as I feed you bananas, sleeping with our noses touching.  I mean, you are so awesome.  Everyday is not perfect.  But you are.

I love you Molly-pop.

Love,

Mom

ps. love

yesterday, i was putting you down for your nap.  so i laid you down in the middle of the bed and crawled in next to you.  you rubbed your eyes ferociously and turned on your side, toward me as usual.  suddenly, you reached out your little arm and put it on my shoulder and squeezed a little.  i looked at you, and your sleepy eyes opened and you smiled at me.  it was our first real hug.

i laid there for a little longer than usual, with tears running down my face.  i'm not sure why it made me so emotional.  you are growing up already.  you can already make me so happy with such a little thing.  

(you've turned me into mush.  thanks a lot.)

mo. 7

Hi baby,

Recently I completely, cold turkey, stopped reading anything on the internet about babies and how to raise them.  I found myself getting completely overwhelmed and caught up in what you "should" be doing, what I "should" be doing.  I ended up feeling like a failure approximately 99% of the time.  Since I stopped reading and comparing, its like a million lbs has been lifted off my shoulders.  If you eat less some days, no big deal.  If you don't take a nap after 3 pm, I don't spend the entire evening CERTAIN that you are going to freak out and have a meltdown.  Maybe you will, maybe you won't.  Regardless, we will figure it out.

I think you and me and your dad are all smart enough to figure things out for ourselves.  And to ask for help when we need it.

That said, I don't want to sound like a hypocrite, because I do have this blog and I do share it with people.  But this is for you and for me to remember these early months/years, and in the meantime, it helps make the distance between family and friends a little less.  And I think its pretty clear that I'm no expert, but that I'm trying.

These two months have literally been wonderful.  One day I was at work and I suddenly realized that I couldn't wait to get home to hold you.  I've loved you since before you were born, and I've loved being your mom every minute, but the first few months were often exhausting, frustrating, and scary.   I'm not sure if its that I'm a little calmer, or that you are a little easier, or a combination of both - but I MISS you when I'm not with you.  I wonder what you are doing, how long you napped, if you ate your peas (yes - you eat real people food now), how much you babbled.  And you light up when I walk in a room, so I think the feeling is mutual.

Some of the fun things from the past two months:

1.  You eat real people food.   We started with rice cereal and oatmeal, and now you eat peas, carrots, sweet potato, banana and guacamole.  Guacamole is your favorite, which makes me laugh.  How very Arizona of you.  However, carrots do NOT agree with you.  Or with me or your dad, because we have to change gross diapers 6 times a day after you eat them.

2.  You sit all the time.  You love to sit on the floor and play with your toys, banging things together and moving things from one hand to the other.  I'm probably biased, but I think your fine motor skills are pretty advanced.  Your favorite toys are your little lamb, this giraffe that spits out balls, and a little house shape sorter.  And garbage (paper, envelopes, etc) that your dad gives you.  And cat toys that your dad gives you.

3.  You can stand if we hold your arms or lean you against the coffee table.  In the past few days all you want to do is stand, which is slightly irritating, but amusing.  The other day I was showing your teachers at day care how you can stand up and I looked away for a second and you fell and hit your head on the ground hard.  And started SCREAMING.  I was totally freaked out (and a bit embarrassed).  I rocked you and tears ran down my face.  I know you'll fall, but I don't think I'll ever like it when you are hurt - particularly if it is partially my fault.

4.  Your Grandma Fisher came out to visit you.  You loved being around her and she loved putting coffee filters on your head as a hat.

5.  We left you overnight for the first time with Grammy and Grandpa.  Your dad and I went to Las Vegas to celebrate our 2 year anniversary.  I texted your Grammy approximately every 15 minutes to see how you were doing for that first day.  It was hard, but your dad and I had a wonderful time.  We needed a little us time.  And your grandpa taught you how to dance and your grammy put you in the front of a shopping cart for the first time!

6.  You love love love fart noises.  You will squeal with delight when we make them.

7.  I'm pretty sure you love your dad more than anyone on the planet.  You light up when I come in the room, but when he comes in the room, you smile and coo and squeal.  And then when he leaves the room, you scream.  This is a little trying while he's working from home, because he comes and goes pretty frequently.  So I try to distract you as much as I can.

8.  You are still a great sleeper - you sleep through the night most nights.  You'll wake up a couple of times typically, but we just have to put your pacifier back in your mouth and then you are fine.

9.  You love your little lamb.

10.  You love to be out of the house.  This is problematic because its starting to get really hot.  But we go to lunch and to the grocery store and on other errands and you are the happiest baby alive.  Everyone thinks you are beautiful - your eyes get more compliments than I can express - everyone stops to comment.  Your dad hates talking to strangers so he just completely ignores them, which is rude.  Don't do that when you grow up.

11.  You are getting FAT.  I can't even button half your clothes because of your chunky legs.  Its hilarious

Work has been hard for me.  It was the busiest time of the year in the study abroad office, and working part time was really quite challenging.  On top of that, it has been a struggle for me to learn how to switch gears from being stay at home mom to working mom and back every week.  Some days I feel like it is the perfect balance of me time and of us time.  Most days I feel like I'm not doing a very good job at either.  But, its a work in progress and I'm taking it one day at a time.

Up until this point, I've only thought about how cute you are and how funny you are.  But now I see you try really hard to do things.  And I see how creative you are (ex. instead of learning to crawl to get a toy you want, you have started to pull the blanket towards you so you can pick up the toy that way - genius!).  Now I spend alot of time wondering what kind of kid you will be.  Will you like flowers?  Karate?  Hula hoops?  Bubbles?  Will you want to be a chef when you grow up?  Or the President of the United States?  Or a piano teacher?  I love learning more about you every day.

These are times I will treasure.  I treasure you.

How did I get so lucky?

I love you, Molly-pop.

Mom

ps. your home

i hated our apartment toward the end.  i hated how small it was.  how it was on the second floor. how we could hear our neighbors.  how we had no outside space.  but then, when we went to pack up, i recognized how i loved the pictures on the wall.  i loved where the chair that i rock you every night was.  i loved that we brought you into that apartment.

the day that i brought the last load out in my car (you were with your dad), i sat in the middle of the living room floor cross-legged and cried and cried and cried.  i'm not sure why.  maybe the thought of everything we've been through while living in that apartment.  maybe the fact that i would have to unpack.

i'm not sure.

but.

that apartment was full of love every single day.  especially the day we brought you up those blasted stairs for the first time.  it was your first home.

mo. 6 - the great move

At an Indians Spring Training game for Pat's birthday

 
Hi baby,

(I am a little afraid you are going to think your name is "Baby" because that is all we call you.)

Whew!  Your sixth month was intense.  Your dad left his job at MTD and started a new job with Siemens.  He works from home most of the time and will travel quite a bit.  I'm sure eventually it will feel like normal, but it definitely has been an adjustment for everyone - its so strange to have him around at 10 am but then sometimes not around for days.  But he likes it so far.  And you are 100% a daddy's girl at this point, so you like having him around more now.  You literally explode with smiles and squeals when you see his face.

We also moved!  Carrying you in your carseat up a flight of stairs to our 2nd floor apartment is a thing of the past!  (I literally cannot express how happy that makes me).  We are renting a house in Tempe and it is gigantic compared to our old place.  I love that we have a dining room and a guest room and a BACKYARD.  We can walk to the independent bookstore and Trader Joe's.  Its not a bad gig.

However, moving with a 6 mo old is not exactly "fun".  You just require a lot of attention.  I don't mind, I love paying attention to you.  But when we have boxes and boxes and boxes and you won't let me put you down, I occasionally get frustrated.  (i'm sorry.)

And, basically the same day we moved in, you gave up sleeping through the night.  So we've had a month of night screams and mini tantrums at 2 or 3 am.   I hate when you cry because it makes me cry sometimes.  It makes your dad very angry.  Mostly because he can't fix it or change it.  And then I get upset because he is upset and you are upset.  So 2-3 am at the Fisher house is pretty miserable these days.

BUT.  You wake up with the biggest smiles and I love them so much.  And you rarely cry the rest of the day.  So its really our fault, your dad and me, because we got used to you sleeping all night long.  Don't take it personally.

You laugh.  You stick out your tongue when you smile.  You are hilarious.

You were getting significantly healthier, but then we had a bout of the stomach flu.  You exorcist puked for days.  I mean, one night, I had to change my clothes (including underwear) 3 times.  But you rallied and your dad and I can already laugh about it.  Even though you were so pitiful.

I frequently look at you and feel like I'm letting everything slip by.  This is an issue that I think I really need to come to terms with.  I want to enjoy just this minute and not think about what I could be doing or how you won't be like this for long.  I want to just be in that moment at that time.  But its so hard for me.  You are teaching me, though.  You reach up and grab my nose while I'm absentmindedly checking my email.  I laugh and say "honk honk!" back at you.  So thank you - for pulling me back to what is important and what makes me happy.  (you).

You've been here for a half a year already.  Which is so crazy.  I love you so much.  I morbidly think about the fact that if you died, I'd honestly not know what to do with myself.  I've never invested so much effort, thought, love, and care into anything in my life.

I love you.  I love you.

Mama

PS. While you are sleeping.

Recently, you will only take naps if someone is holding you upright. Probably because you are so stuffy.

Honestly, sometimes it's pretty irritating because there are a million things I need to do. But most of the time I am completely overwhelmed at how lovely it feels to have little warm you snoring on my chest. And when I look down and see your eyelashes brushing against your cheeks, your button of a nose, and your mouth open in that perfect o - I sometimes get choked up. You are so tiny and fully dependent on your dad and me. All I want is to protect you and teach you how to be good and honest and creative and brave.

So while you are sleeping, I whisper these things to you. I know wishing isn't enough - that I have to be an example and answer hard questions. But I think the whispers and wishes don't hurt.

And I already see glimpses of the good, honest, creative, brave girl you are becoming.

Letters to a little one - mo. 5

wonder woman to the rescue

Dear Molly,

It's been a rough month for you, I'm afraid. You got sick when we were in Ohio for the holidays and basically couldn't kick it all month. A lot of snot, coughing, fevers, and tears.

such sick eyes.  poor baby.

One of my all time worst days came this month, when we went to the doctor and we tried a breathing treatment (you screamed the whole time), they tested you for RSV and pertussis by sticking metal rods up your nose (you SCREAMED the whole time) and worst of all, you had to have a chest X-ray.  For baby chest X-rays, they balance you on a little bicycle seat and literally smushed you into a glass jar. Then I had to walk away and leave you there. I've never heard you scream so loud. I was sobbing the whole time (and am tearing up while writing this). I know you already don't remember any of it, but I'm scarred for life. Thankfully, all the tests were negative. They think you have bronciolitis and that we might just deal with long, intense colds.

But! There have been such joys too. You are so beautiful. I mean seriously gorgeous. You have these long eyelashes that even strangers stop to comment on. As you gain weight, you have these perfect cheeks. Your little lips purse together in the most adorable way.

And when you smile.

Oh, when you smile.

Even through being sick, you still smile and make your crazy noises all the time. You are very frugal with your laughs, so we are beyond delighted when you give us one. Your neck is getting so strong and I can put you on my hip and you look around everywhere.

You have some new tricks. You can now grab onto your toes while you are laying on your back. You did this for the first time while I was working late one night and I was completely brokenhearted that I had missed it. I know it seems like a little thing, but it was the first first that I missed. I just have to remember to treasure the second or third time all the same. I just love you so much and am so freaked out that I'm making mistakes. But you are forgiving (thank you) and you grabbed your feet as soon as I walked in and gave me a big smile (thank you again).

You also roll over!! It is hilarious - you look like a windmill, your arms flailing about and then you flip to your back and look at us with a smile.

You make your dad and I laugh everyday.  We do ridiculous things to you (and the cats).  Pat read online that the new "thing" that kids are doing these days is "breading" which is putting a peice of bread on cat's heads.  Dumb I know.  So we did this to you:

i swear you weren't this upset the whole time, but this photo is hilarious.

We are a real family, the three of us. You are ours and we are yours.

Molly, I love you to the moon.

Mom