letters to a little one: one month

Dear Molly,

You are here.

You are definitely here.

I love you so much.  I mean really I do - I wasn't sure I would.  It was probably my biggest fear:  that you would get here and I would just completely not love you.  But I love you so much it hurts.  You do these awesome stretches where you reach with your whole body and I feel like my heart may explode.  You follow my face with your eyes and I'm totally impressed.  And you are pretty.  I mean really really really pretty.  Everyone thinks so.  Apparently I'm ridiculously shallow, because when they took you out, I was laying on the table and your dad went over to see you.  I yelled out "Pat!  Does she look like an alien?"  Everyone in the OR started cracking up.  One nurse said "Usually people ask if the baby is healthy..."  Whoops! 

You are healthy, and you do not look like an alien.  You are beautiful.

You are a serious baby. You crinkle your brow in concentration, trying to figure out this new home for you.  You finally recognize my voice and your dad's voice.  Speaking of your dad, he's totally amazing with you.  I mean, he can bounce with the best of them.  Hilariously, the other day he was bouncing with you to make you stop crying and he brought you in to change your diaper.  I walked in and you were laying on the table and your dad was still bouncing.  We bounce while we walk, while we sit, on the exercise ball, on the bouncy seat.  We are basically in a perpetual state of bounce around here.

Your arrival was dramatic.  And to be honest, not that great for me.  I'll just say you owe me.  36 hours of labor and and emergency c section later, you were here in full effect.  We've had some issues (you lost alot of weight when you were born and we have had impressively large problems with breast feeding and you've recently developed some less than glamorous baby acne), but you are really such a good baby.

first family photo.  not exactly as planned.

There have been A LOT of visitors.  You should be really impressed.  A lot of people spent a lot of money and time to come see your pretty little face.  Thank goodness Grammy was here for 3 weeks.  I'm pretty sure you would have had a difficult time surviving without her (I know I would have!).  But now, at one month, you are already sleeping for 5-7 hours at night.  Which is apparently VERY impressive for a one month old.  I'm pretty sure you are a genius baby.

You are still pretty little.  But at the doctor yesterday we found out that you are in the 60th percentile for length but only the 10th percentile for weight.  You really are tall and skinny :)

There are days that I feel like a really bad mom.  Sometimes it even makes me cry.  Sometimes, after we have been up in the middle of the night for 2 hours of the feeding, bottle, pump, rock to sleep routine, I'll swaddle you all up and you'll spit up on yourself.  And if its not very much or I can wipe most of it up, I put you into bed with it on you.  How awful, I know - but the thought of waking you up to re-swaddle and start the whole process again is just exhausting.

Many people say that the first 6 weeks is the hardest.  I'm not going to lie, I hope they are right.  This is hard.  I'm used to being good at things I decide to do.  And if I'm not good at something (like sports or speaking Chinese),  I just avoid it like the plague so its not obvious that I'm challenged by something.  With you not only can I not avoid it - but I definitely don't want to.  When I get discouraged, I think of how you make this perfect little O with your mouth sometimes or how you yawn for a full 30 seconds or how you stretch when you wake up, and I know that I love you very very much and hopefully that is enough to make up for mistakes I make.  

Keep growing.  I'll keep trying.  We'll get the hang of this.

I love you, Molly.  So very much.

Love,

Mom

P.S. everything takes SO much longer to do now.  I've been working on this for over 2 weeks (your first two letters probably took 20 minutes total) and I don't even really like it,  but before I know it, you'll be 2 months and it will be time for the next one!!  (in addition to the delay on this, there is also the mounds of laundry and the bottles laying around and the fact that if your Grammy and Grandpa hadn't been here this week, we would have been 3 weeks without vacuuming). 

letters to the little one - about one week left

Hi in there.

So its almost show time!  Your room is ready:

and i MADE the mobile and the pretty cube drawers!

Your cat brothers are ready for you, and already stealing your toys:

A few notable things about your time in there:

• you've set up camp on the right side of my abdomen.  
• your little tush is wedged under my left rib cage, which has caused some unnerving pain, but I'm told all is well.
• I've been totally neurotic about the way I look throughout this pregnancy.  I want you to have a strong self esteem and not care so much about the superficial, but if you have been paying attention in there, you might come out saying, "Mama thinks she's the size of Argentina".
• Related - I want cookies by the dozen.
• Possibly the most frustrating thing has been this fainting.  I've fainted several times (like 15) since you came on board.  It was less of a big deal when you were smaller, but at this point, if it happens again, you'll likely have to come out a little early.  We'll see how that goes!
• Really, you've been so good to me overall so far.  No sickness really, not much discomfort (and for being 39 weeks pregnant in Tempe, Arizona in the midst of the longest stretch of 110 + degree days - that's pretty impressive).  I STILL sometimes forget that I am going to have a baby in days.

A bit of disclosure:  The past two years have been a bit of a whirlwind for your dad and me.  We got married, moved across the country, started new jobs.  You'll be meeting lots of people who already love you right after you are born.  Your Grandma and Grandpa Dickey and your Grandma Fisher are flying out here right away to see your little face.  And then Aunt Katie and Uncle Greg will be here soon after.  You'll meet Aunt Katie (Uncle Andy) and Aunt Allison and Naomi soon enough.

The past two years have been difficult sometimes too.  We lost some pretty important people.

A few days before your dad and I got married, Grandma Ellen passed away.  You would have thought she was the most stylish 75+ lady alive.  She had strong opinions, and a beautiful spirit.  (and, to be honest, I was definitely one of her favorites).  I wish you could have met her.

I so wish you could meet your Grandpa Fisher.  More than anything really.  We all miss him so much, but especially your dad.  He would have taught you how to take care of your car, and how to cook a delicious pork tenderloin.  He would have made sure you had your car insurance in order and that you made wise decisions about your college plans.  And he would have loved to see you grow up.  He was your dad's guy.  And your dad has alot of his dad in him - so you'll know your grandpa, even if you didn't get the chance to meet him.

We can't wait for you.  We are all ready for you.  Well... as ready as we can be.  I know you'll probably think you hate us sometimes.  And I know we will be your heroes sometimes.  And we will know you better than anyone in the whole world - your favorite flavor of popsicle and what scares you at nighttime.  We will mess up, and I'm so sorry in advance.  But know that we will always always try to do right by you.  And we will always love each other, your dad and me.  And we will always always love you.

Its almost show time.

Love,

mom

letters to a little one: T minus 4 weeks

via audrey hepburn complex

Hello babyfish,

Its your mom.  You know, the lady that you are rolling around inside when she is trying to go to sleep?

We've just finished our whirlwind of travels.  You have already been to 2 other countries (Canada and Czech Republic) and 4 other states (Ohio, Pennsylvania, California, Maine).  We had so much fun everywhere we went - but (as you'll soon learn), your mom is not very good at taking it easy.  I unfortunately was made with only 2 settings:  full speed ahead and the most lazy person alive.  And apparently, growing you takes a little bit out of me.  This last trip to Ohio then to Pennsylvania then to Maine then back to Arizona was perhaps a bit too much for me at 34 weeks pregnant - but I'm so glad I did it and got to see so many people.

So now begins "the most lazy person alive" phase.  And I'm looking forward to it.

You aren't causing me too many problems, you little easy baby.  You move around at night, but I kind of like that.  And I haven't really been sick or achy much at all.   I don't have many cravings - but I have been eating a slightly excessive amount of pineapple, avocado, peanut butter, and chocolate chip cookies.  Not together.  

... four weeks.  insane.

When I was in high school, I always dreaded dances.  Especially the dressy ones.  I was not very cool - I readily admit this.  I either went to dances with my long time boyfriend or with a group of girls.  And usually your grandma made my dresses.  And I did terrible things to my hair.  Anyway, for about a week leading up to any homecoming, prom, etc, I'd get this feeling that I can never describe.  Kind of like I'm thirsty, but don't want anything to drink.  Or like I'm standing in front of a million dresses and I have to pick just one, very quickly.  This feeling is so overwhelming that I just can't shake it.  Now I recognize it as anxiety - just pure, old fashioned, anxiety. 

I am having that High School Dance Feeling on overdrive lately, especially when I think of you getting here.  And all the water in the world doesn't make it go away.  The anxiety is mixed with excitement and anticipation, but to be honest, its mostly anxiety this week. 

Sometimes its serious things like:   What if I'm not good at breast feeding and I give up and let you down?

Sometimes its hilarious things like:  What if my water breaks at work?  Who cleans that up??

Sometimes its ridiculous things like:  What if you don't like your "baby corner" (as if you'll REALLY care)?  What if you don't like me?

Sometimes its nothing specific.  Just an overwhelming feeling.

But its pretty much constant. 

I'm looking forward to your arrival.  In my experience, sometimes the anticipation of something can be torturous, and then the actual event/change is so natural and easy.  I'll hope for that.

Your dad and I love you a lot (or at least we think we do - and we are quite certain we definitely will once you are out of there).

Hang in there - I'll try to too.

Love,
Mom

credit due

Sometimes when I look back over this blog or when I'm editing the Project Renovate list - I feel a little guilty.  I mean, I've had so many people support me and comment on how much they like the idea of the list - and I feel the need to publicly (to the 5 people who read this) state that I totally ripped the idea of this list off of a friend.


With her permission of course.  I promise.  (thank you, a).

So I'm not a total Milli Vanilli.

But I did get whole chunks of this from her own amazing project - including category breakdowns and even some specific goals.  (I'd link to her site here, but she prefers to keep it to just a few people.)  She insists that she got it from other people on the internet, etc, etc.  But I'm still going to put it out there that she is the creative source that led me to start this (frequently abandoned) project.

And I love her.  

 

no. 48 No alcohol for one month

 

 If you know me, you know that I love nothing more than having dinner with friends and enjoying a glass or two of wine or a cocktail after work.  Not to sound ridiculously shallow - but I was actually concerned when we found out that we were having a baby that I'd have to give up those long dinners with friends and a couple bottles of wine or that drink after work with some coworkers.  

But.  It has turned out to be not a big deal in the least.   I still enjoy dinner with friends, just sans the bottle of wine.  The pros to this include:

1.  Saving money!  Alcohol at a restaurant is expensive (even at happy hour).  So cutting that out was very wallet friendly.

2.  No difficulty getting out of bed the next day. 

3.  We always have a ride.

4.  The easiest completion of a project renovate item yet.

Don't get me wrong - I will definitely enjoy the first dinner with a couple glasses of wine after the baby is born.  There is something about good wine, good food, and good company that just makes all the colors brighter and the stories more interesting.  And it feels special.  But for now, I'm enjoying a little break from the norm.

letters to a little one*

 *I give credit here to my lovely friend Kate, who's letters to her daughter have both inspired me and made me cry, but most of all teach me something about how to be a mom.

Hello Baby Fisher,

Hi, I'm your mom.  I love you already, but I'm completely terrified of you - I have never done anything as important as being a mom and most of the time I'm pretty sure I'm going to screw it up.  However, I have thought carefully about it and realize that there are very few things I can do to totally and completely mess up and ruin your life.  But I have to be honest:  I will definitely screw up.  On little things like changing your diaper properly or teaching you how to throw a baseball (maybe we'll leave that one to dad).  On big things like teaching you what to do when your feelings are hurt or how to have healthy self esteem.  It scares me to think I'll pass some of my very big flaws onto your very unflawed self.  

BUT - you are already a pretty lucky lady or gentleman - you have some incredible grandparents, aunts and uncles, and honorary aunts and uncles.  I hope that you can pull all the best bits from the people that already love you:  Aunt K & Aunt A's creativity in everything they do, Uncle G's unwillingness to just take the status quo because everyone says so, Aunt K's incredibly kind heart, your grandparents' values and love.  AND you have honorary aunts and uncles all over the place, so we will be traveling lots to North Carolina, Pittsburgh, Florida, Cleveland, Columbus, Youngstown.... 

Mostly I hope that you take after your dad in more ways than me.  I hope you see the good in everyone like he does.  You know, everyone loves your dad - I actually think I've never heard anyone say anything negative about him.  Mostly, if you are a girl I hope you get his skinny legs and metabolism and if you are a boy I hope you get his athletic ability :)  He's terrified too - but if he is half as good with you as he is with any cat in the world, he will be the best dad out there. 

We had your 20 week ultrasound and they did this really crazy 3D ultrasound - you looked completely terrifying.  I mean really, you looked like a scary alien clown baby with a big creepy smile.  Your dad and I found this hilarious and are very much looking forward to pulling this out when you go on dates or bring friends over in high school to embarrass you.  No offense - but it is really that funny.  Soon, you'll start looking like a person in there.

I'm really struggling to decide how to work child care with you.  By the time you can understand this, the decision will be made and it will have been the correct one - thats what I keep telling myself when it feels really overwhelming.

I can't wait to meet you.  I can't wait to make cookies together, snuggle together, read books together, pull you in a wagon and pick apples with you. 

I'm trying to prepare for your arrival, but I really think most of the preparation is on the job training - so I'm just trying to take big breaths before it starts.  One of the things that is really important to me is that you have a mom who is vibrant and full of life - making goals and constantly trying to reach them, whatever they may be.  So I'm getting back to work on my list.  I want you to be proud of me.

Keep growing, you'll be here soon.  I love you, little one. 

Love,

Mom