PS. the one and only ever you

every night, your dad gives you a bath (i'm still a little scared of drowning you to be honest).  you love the bath so much that we read you books while you are in there.  i've taken over this part of the routine, so i take off your clothes and your diaper - and you kick and squeal because you love to be naked.  i take you over to the mirror to say hi to the naked baby.  i put you in the warm water and you kick kick kick.

i read you two books, but i always end with the same one: "on the night you were born".  and every single night i get choked up.

For never before in story or rhyme
(not even once upon a time)
has the world ever known a you, my friend,
and it never will, not ever again...
                            -nancy tillman

because there never will be another you.  and you are perfect.

letters to a little one - mo. 4

Grandpa makes you smile

Dear Molly,

Sometimes I think about sharing these letters with you and I think you might find them really dumb.  But I don't care, I want to remember!

You smile more and make hilarious noises.  You know, some babies make these adorable cooing noises - delicate and sweet.  Not you.  you yell.  and groan.  and grunt.  It is hilarious to listen to you over the baby monitor in the mornings.  You just make so many weird, unladylike noises.  And I love them.

The Hatches let us share Thanksgiving with Morgan's family.  You slept most of the time, but you were a hit :)  However, this is what Thanksgiving morning looked like while I scurried around to cook and get us all ready:

The big event of month 4 was Christmas and our adventure to Ohio for 9 days.  Whirlwind is too calm of a word for what we did.  We were in Cleveland and Youngstown and back again several times.  You met nearly all your family and took a very long nap on Aunt Tracey's lap Christmas night.  The few times that you got fussy (lets face it, it was overwhelming for me - so for your, it had to be unbearable at times - its usually just you and me and your dad all the time), your dad was the only one that could really calm you down.  He'd take you into another room and bounce bounce bounce.

Auntie and cousin love

Unfortunately, you and your dad both got pretty sick - you with bronchiolitis and him with bronchitis.  It was basically terrifying because you coughed and slept and sneezed nonstop.  I obsessively do not want to be a hovering, overreacting mom - but this was definitely scary (even if i were a totally laid back mom - which i'm pretty sure i'm not).

Napping with Dad

In spite of all the sickness, you came to Aunt Stacey and Uncle Nick's wedding and were a joy, not making a peep and posing in your pretty dress with Stacey.  I was a disaster that night because 3.5 months after you vacated my abdomen, I'm not looking my best.  But I shouldn't have worried, because how could anyone look at me when Stacey was so beautiful?  AND when I have such a beautiful little girl?

My favorite part of the week was seeing Naomi with you.  She's so funny and would say your name over and over again, "baby Mooooollly."  On Christmas morning, we got to Grammy and Grandpa's house and you were sleeping.  I asked everyone if we could let you stay sleeping and then Naomi came up to your carseat and stuck her little hand out and said "EYE!" and poked you right in the face.  You woke up, but no tears, just a little smile.

A few other small things:

1.  We put up a Christmas tree because we felt like we had to - but our tree was so pathetic.  Please forgive us.

First Christmas ornament

2.  We went to see Santa at the "Sand-ta Castle".  You puked ALL over Santa.  He had to change his clothes.  Whoops!

3.  For my birthday, we went to see Santa and I cooked dinner.  Usually this would have been such a bummer for me - but I LOVED every second of it.  One of my best birthdays ever.  You do that for me.

4.  You love to be thrown up in the air.  And I love to throw you up in the air.

5.  Still, you love your changing table best.  Laughs and noises and love on the changing table.

6.  We went to the zoo!!

7.  You are still sleeping like a champion.  I'm so happy for that.

8.  You and I would not make it a day without your dad.  Really.

Your first dance with dad.

The holidays were so different with you - in such a lovely way.  Colors felt brighter, laughter seemed louder, hugs felt even more genuine, family seemed even closer.  You make everything so much better (albeit sometimes harder :) )

I love you so much, Molly.  So so much.

Love,

Mom

letters to a little one: mo 2 and mo 3

(this has been in "edit" phase for way too long, so i'm publishing as is.  sorry, molly.  your mom is a bit scatterbrained sometimes)

First day of School!!

Dear Molly,

I skipped month no. 2 because, well, I was busy learning how to be a mom.  So I'll tell you about both month no. 2 and month no. 3 here.

You are such a joy.

Really.

Here are some highlights of the past 2 months:

1.  shots

You had your first and second rounds of shots and you were incredible.  I think you cry more when I put an outfit over your head!  The nurse was impressed that you only cried for a few seconds, and I'm pretty confident that it hurt me way more than it hurt you.

2.  plane ride

You had your first plane ride!  I am the maid of honor in your Aunt S's wedding, and we flew to Ohio for her bachelorette party and shower.  I was a total and complete nervous wreck on our way, but thankfully for both flights you were able to have your own seat with your carseat.  You basically slept the whole time.  Nice work!  On this trip you also got to visit in Cleveland and in Youngstown - and meet your Aunt A and Aunt K.  More importantly - Naomi!  Naomi thought you were hilarious.  But she really just wanted your binkie.   

3.  me back to work

When you were exactly 10 weeks old, I went back to work part time.  I work 2 and a half days a week and it is such a blessing to have the extra time with you.  My first week back, your dad took vacation so I could call approximately 100 times per hour to check in on you without feeling like a total spaz.  (thank you, Pat)  I cried on the way and hugged you so hard when I came home that I was afraid I would break you.  It was definitely the first moment that I fully realized how much a part of me you are.  I am not me without you anymore.  (no pressure).

4. daycare

You started daycare at Tempe Christian Preschool.  I really like your teachers, but nothing makes it easy to leave you.  I still sob on my way to work every day after dropping you off.  But you are so good there!  You sleep more at daycare than you do at home.

5. smiles

YOU SMILE!  I put all caps because it makes me that happy to see it.  You are illusive with your smiles, and definitely won't let us get a photo of one, but they are there and your whole face lights up.  I discovered your smile for the first time when I was doing this cheesy little rhyme while we changed your diaper:

I love your eyes
and your nose
and your fingers
and your toes
and your cheeks
and your lips
and your chin
and your forehead

(you always smile at the cheeks/lip part)

6.  ohhh

You talk and talk and talk.  Ohhhhh.  a-ohhhhhhhhhhh.  All day long.  Alone in your crib.  Its hilarious.

7.  your dad

....is so awesome with you.  He throws you around and makes you do tummy time way more than you'd like.  He still gives you a bath every night (you barf so much we have to give you a bath EVERY day).  When you are crying he bounces you around and distracts you into stopping.  His engineer brain is totally on all the time - so sometimes when he's fed you, changed you, burped you and you are STILL crying, he gets a little frustrated.  But so do I.    Sometimes I'm worried you love him more, which is ridiculous, I know.  But you clearly light up when he's around.

I'm still getting the hang of things.  We have had lots of problems with your eating.  So when you have a baby who gives you trouble I will both have sympathy and laugh at you because you deserve it (just kidding... kind of).  But you are growing and developing so quickly it blows my mind.

I'll try to do better with my letters, I've been a bit overwhelmed.  But I love you.  I love you I love you I love you.

Love,

Mom

PS. stillness in the morning

dear molly,

hands down my favorite thing right now is our morning nap on days i don't go to work.  you get up around 7 and eat and then we play and hang out until 9 when you eat again.  you get very sleepy after and start to rub your eyes and blink for long stretches. 

so i scoop you up and lay you in the middle of our big king sized bed.  then i snuggle in next to you and arrange the blankets in a little nest around us.  by this time you. are. almost. asleep.

so i wrap my arm around you and pull you close.  your head falls toward me and our foreheads touch.  i look at your perfect little face for a minute and then we both fall asleep. 

sometimes for two hours. 

we both sleep so well for this nap.  i think it is because we both feel so safe and warm.

i love you so much.

mom

letters to a little one: one month

Dear Molly,

You are here.

You are definitely here.

I love you so much.  I mean really I do - I wasn't sure I would.  It was probably my biggest fear:  that you would get here and I would just completely not love you.  But I love you so much it hurts.  You do these awesome stretches where you reach with your whole body and I feel like my heart may explode.  You follow my face with your eyes and I'm totally impressed.  And you are pretty.  I mean really really really pretty.  Everyone thinks so.  Apparently I'm ridiculously shallow, because when they took you out, I was laying on the table and your dad went over to see you.  I yelled out "Pat!  Does she look like an alien?"  Everyone in the OR started cracking up.  One nurse said "Usually people ask if the baby is healthy..."  Whoops! 

You are healthy, and you do not look like an alien.  You are beautiful.

You are a serious baby. You crinkle your brow in concentration, trying to figure out this new home for you.  You finally recognize my voice and your dad's voice.  Speaking of your dad, he's totally amazing with you.  I mean, he can bounce with the best of them.  Hilariously, the other day he was bouncing with you to make you stop crying and he brought you in to change your diaper.  I walked in and you were laying on the table and your dad was still bouncing.  We bounce while we walk, while we sit, on the exercise ball, on the bouncy seat.  We are basically in a perpetual state of bounce around here.

Your arrival was dramatic.  And to be honest, not that great for me.  I'll just say you owe me.  36 hours of labor and and emergency c section later, you were here in full effect.  We've had some issues (you lost alot of weight when you were born and we have had impressively large problems with breast feeding and you've recently developed some less than glamorous baby acne), but you are really such a good baby.

first family photo.  not exactly as planned.

There have been A LOT of visitors.  You should be really impressed.  A lot of people spent a lot of money and time to come see your pretty little face.  Thank goodness Grammy was here for 3 weeks.  I'm pretty sure you would have had a difficult time surviving without her (I know I would have!).  But now, at one month, you are already sleeping for 5-7 hours at night.  Which is apparently VERY impressive for a one month old.  I'm pretty sure you are a genius baby.

You are still pretty little.  But at the doctor yesterday we found out that you are in the 60th percentile for length but only the 10th percentile for weight.  You really are tall and skinny :)

There are days that I feel like a really bad mom.  Sometimes it even makes me cry.  Sometimes, after we have been up in the middle of the night for 2 hours of the feeding, bottle, pump, rock to sleep routine, I'll swaddle you all up and you'll spit up on yourself.  And if its not very much or I can wipe most of it up, I put you into bed with it on you.  How awful, I know - but the thought of waking you up to re-swaddle and start the whole process again is just exhausting.

Many people say that the first 6 weeks is the hardest.  I'm not going to lie, I hope they are right.  This is hard.  I'm used to being good at things I decide to do.  And if I'm not good at something (like sports or speaking Chinese),  I just avoid it like the plague so its not obvious that I'm challenged by something.  With you not only can I not avoid it - but I definitely don't want to.  When I get discouraged, I think of how you make this perfect little O with your mouth sometimes or how you yawn for a full 30 seconds or how you stretch when you wake up, and I know that I love you very very much and hopefully that is enough to make up for mistakes I make.  

Keep growing.  I'll keep trying.  We'll get the hang of this.

I love you, Molly.  So very much.

Love,

Mom

P.S. everything takes SO much longer to do now.  I've been working on this for over 2 weeks (your first two letters probably took 20 minutes total) and I don't even really like it,  but before I know it, you'll be 2 months and it will be time for the next one!!  (in addition to the delay on this, there is also the mounds of laundry and the bottles laying around and the fact that if your Grammy and Grandpa hadn't been here this week, we would have been 3 weeks without vacuuming). 

letters to the little one - about one week left

Hi in there.

So its almost show time!  Your room is ready:

and i MADE the mobile and the pretty cube drawers!

Your cat brothers are ready for you, and already stealing your toys:

A few notable things about your time in there:

• you've set up camp on the right side of my abdomen.  
• your little tush is wedged under my left rib cage, which has caused some unnerving pain, but I'm told all is well.
• I've been totally neurotic about the way I look throughout this pregnancy.  I want you to have a strong self esteem and not care so much about the superficial, but if you have been paying attention in there, you might come out saying, "Mama thinks she's the size of Argentina".
• Related - I want cookies by the dozen.
• Possibly the most frustrating thing has been this fainting.  I've fainted several times (like 15) since you came on board.  It was less of a big deal when you were smaller, but at this point, if it happens again, you'll likely have to come out a little early.  We'll see how that goes!
• Really, you've been so good to me overall so far.  No sickness really, not much discomfort (and for being 39 weeks pregnant in Tempe, Arizona in the midst of the longest stretch of 110 + degree days - that's pretty impressive).  I STILL sometimes forget that I am going to have a baby in days.

A bit of disclosure:  The past two years have been a bit of a whirlwind for your dad and me.  We got married, moved across the country, started new jobs.  You'll be meeting lots of people who already love you right after you are born.  Your Grandma and Grandpa Dickey and your Grandma Fisher are flying out here right away to see your little face.  And then Aunt Katie and Uncle Greg will be here soon after.  You'll meet Aunt Katie (Uncle Andy) and Aunt Allison and Naomi soon enough.

The past two years have been difficult sometimes too.  We lost some pretty important people.

A few days before your dad and I got married, Grandma Ellen passed away.  You would have thought she was the most stylish 75+ lady alive.  She had strong opinions, and a beautiful spirit.  (and, to be honest, I was definitely one of her favorites).  I wish you could have met her.

I so wish you could meet your Grandpa Fisher.  More than anything really.  We all miss him so much, but especially your dad.  He would have taught you how to take care of your car, and how to cook a delicious pork tenderloin.  He would have made sure you had your car insurance in order and that you made wise decisions about your college plans.  And he would have loved to see you grow up.  He was your dad's guy.  And your dad has alot of his dad in him - so you'll know your grandpa, even if you didn't get the chance to meet him.

We can't wait for you.  We are all ready for you.  Well... as ready as we can be.  I know you'll probably think you hate us sometimes.  And I know we will be your heroes sometimes.  And we will know you better than anyone in the whole world - your favorite flavor of popsicle and what scares you at nighttime.  We will mess up, and I'm so sorry in advance.  But know that we will always always try to do right by you.  And we will always love each other, your dad and me.  And we will always always love you.

Its almost show time.

Love,

mom

letters to a little one: T minus 4 weeks

via audrey hepburn complex

Hello babyfish,

Its your mom.  You know, the lady that you are rolling around inside when she is trying to go to sleep?

We've just finished our whirlwind of travels.  You have already been to 2 other countries (Canada and Czech Republic) and 4 other states (Ohio, Pennsylvania, California, Maine).  We had so much fun everywhere we went - but (as you'll soon learn), your mom is not very good at taking it easy.  I unfortunately was made with only 2 settings:  full speed ahead and the most lazy person alive.  And apparently, growing you takes a little bit out of me.  This last trip to Ohio then to Pennsylvania then to Maine then back to Arizona was perhaps a bit too much for me at 34 weeks pregnant - but I'm so glad I did it and got to see so many people.

So now begins "the most lazy person alive" phase.  And I'm looking forward to it.

You aren't causing me too many problems, you little easy baby.  You move around at night, but I kind of like that.  And I haven't really been sick or achy much at all.   I don't have many cravings - but I have been eating a slightly excessive amount of pineapple, avocado, peanut butter, and chocolate chip cookies.  Not together.  

... four weeks.  insane.

When I was in high school, I always dreaded dances.  Especially the dressy ones.  I was not very cool - I readily admit this.  I either went to dances with my long time boyfriend or with a group of girls.  And usually your grandma made my dresses.  And I did terrible things to my hair.  Anyway, for about a week leading up to any homecoming, prom, etc, I'd get this feeling that I can never describe.  Kind of like I'm thirsty, but don't want anything to drink.  Or like I'm standing in front of a million dresses and I have to pick just one, very quickly.  This feeling is so overwhelming that I just can't shake it.  Now I recognize it as anxiety - just pure, old fashioned, anxiety. 

I am having that High School Dance Feeling on overdrive lately, especially when I think of you getting here.  And all the water in the world doesn't make it go away.  The anxiety is mixed with excitement and anticipation, but to be honest, its mostly anxiety this week. 

Sometimes its serious things like:   What if I'm not good at breast feeding and I give up and let you down?

Sometimes its hilarious things like:  What if my water breaks at work?  Who cleans that up??

Sometimes its ridiculous things like:  What if you don't like your "baby corner" (as if you'll REALLY care)?  What if you don't like me?

Sometimes its nothing specific.  Just an overwhelming feeling.

But its pretty much constant. 

I'm looking forward to your arrival.  In my experience, sometimes the anticipation of something can be torturous, and then the actual event/change is so natural and easy.  I'll hope for that.

Your dad and I love you a lot (or at least we think we do - and we are quite certain we definitely will once you are out of there).

Hang in there - I'll try to too.

Love,
Mom